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BBERRY TORCH: A Day in the Life

Go inside the digital mind of our soon-to-be forgotten Blackberry Torch.

Words: Darrion Beckles
Image: Research in Motion Limited

8 AM: He was supposed to set me for 8 AM, but instead he put 8 PM. Then he has the nerve to knock me off of his nightstand like it’s my fault. Then, he almost throws me in the dryer with his pants! This guy’s unreal.

8:30 AM: I’m ringing off the hook but he refuses to answer me. Silence me, please!

8:34 AM: So he puts me in the cup holder next to his coffee… and every time he hits the break, I get a face full of French Vanilla. Genius.

9 AM: Still in traffic. I tried to tell him to avoid this road, but does he listen? My brain is connected to a billion dollar Global Positioning System—a giant satellite in space! What’s his brain connected to? Nothing. And what the hell is hitting the wheel and screaming going to do? If you’d followed my directions you’d be at work already you idiot.

10 AM: He makes it to work an hour late, drops me twice on the way to his cubicle. My screen’s still sticky from the coffee, but he’s the one who looks like crap.

10:10 AM: He forgot me at his desk. How unfortunate. There was some important information on our Outlook account he could’ve used, like the last minute change in location for his meeting. I mean, what’s the point of having me if you just leave me behind? I can’t help you from here.

10:45 AM: Random thought. People (read: haters) have nothing better to do than criticize. The other day, some guy with a Droid criticized my weight (5.68 ounces) and how he heard from some other guy I wasn’t worth a damn because my video cam only shoots in VGA and my screen resolution is low. Well, what he failed to mention is how sexy I look, and how much I’m respected by the business community, while his Droid is a phone for college students and Foot Locker employees. Haters. Anyway, I’m still here, alone, waiting for the homie to return.

11:35 AM: He came back to his desk looking worse than he did before he left. Sure didn’t think that was possible. He looked like he saw a ghost and his eyes were bloodshot. Was he crying again?

11:36 AM: Ah… he sends a text to his girlfriend telling her how much he hates his job, his life, his apartment… same old shit. Welcome to his morning ritual.

11:45 AM: His girlfriend sends him a picture mail of herself holding up a sign that reads “3 more days.” Hipster love, how sweet. I think the message made him happy enough to clean the coffee stain off my screen.

11:55 AM: The girlfriend sends a video message of her spinning in her office chair, followed by a “special” pic of herself in the ladies room. My goodness, does she have anything better to do than send garbage with that bitch, iPhone? I remember her last visit like it was yesterday. Maybe because it was yesterday!! Anyway… It was a visit I’d like to forget. She and iPhone came for the weekend. They thought they’d be spontaneous and find some “diamond in the rough” restaurant they’ve never seen or heard of before. They approached this restaurant in the art district and wanted to know a little something about it before entering. iPhone couldn’t get service in the area, so they used me instead… knowing how much I love to be second choice, but I digress.

I gave him articles, restaurant reviews, recommendations, critiques, everything he needed. They even bookmarked one of the restaurant review sites and branded it with the name “Spontaneities and Forks” (I don’t understand hipsters either).  And what did I get in return? I get left at the bar for two hours. One more hour and I would’ve ended up at a pawn shop or in the apron of that greasy bartender. Did he show remorse? Of course not. He just laughed and joked with shorty about how lucky he was. Yeah… Lucky I don’t have feet to kick your sorry ass.

12:05 PM: Pandora set to a really depressing station. I mean come on, Sarah Mclachlan? Dido? Great. Not only is he a sloppy, forgetful little klutz; he’s an emo bitch as well.

12:45 PM: Looks like somebody doesn’t feel like working today.  We’ve been playing Wheel of Fortune for the last half hour and he hasn’t even reached the bonus round. He stinks at every game app he plays (Battleship, Uno, Chess, Connect 4, Blasterball). His sister’s ten and she demolishes his “high” score every time she’s around.  Why does he even bother?

1:30 PM: He finally gets bored with getting his ass handed to him—by me—so he decides to take a lunch break at the usual food court. Of all the places, of all the foods he could‘ve chosen, he decides on ribs. And this guy’s just pushing and pinching away at my touch screen with his disgusting saucy fingers. Soaking me with coffee is bad, but this… This is just disrespectful.

Anyway, this wasn’t just lunchtime. This was also his movie time. He flips me to get the wide screen effect while watching Enter the Dragon for the 30th time this week. And the guy’s reciting the movie word for word: “You have offended me, and you have offended the Shaolin Temple.”

What’s the purpose of having a Netflix app if you’re going to watch the same friggin’ movie over and over again? Dah well, he’s the boss, and I’m his entertainment until he’s able to afford a TV.

1:47 PM: Wait, he’s going to wipe his mouth, hands and his wallet with those wet napkins, but he can’t use one on me?!

2:00 PM: He needed a reminder from me to take his “medication.”  Glad I could help. Even though he treats me like a T-Mobile Sidekick, I’m still looking out for him. That’s me though, loyal to a fault.

3:00 PM: My Notepad is full of bad poetry. Well, not full enough I guess, because he’s at it again. “Life is a flower… petals fade to ash and become dust for the hour glass…” Wow.

3:30 PM: He uploads photos of himself, his cubicle, him sitting in the cubicle, him holding a stapler to his brain (I wish he would just pull the trigger and put us both out of our misery) and him looking off into the distance (Yeah, you look smart buddy). He’s using my integrated social feeds ability to update his status across all of his social networks at once. Maybe there’s still hope for him after all.

4:00 PM: He’s job hunting… I wish he would do a new owner search for me afterwards. #JustSaying

4:15 PM: Still hunting. He’s only using me because he thinks IT tracks his activities on the office computer and he doesn’t want them to know that he’s looking. Smart. And I’m up to the challenge. He’s so anxious he has five web browsers open at once, and I ain’t lagging. My OS6 is the truth. How you like me now, Android?

5:00 PM: Okay, he’s looking at iPhones now. Really? An iPhone? You’d choose a toy over a real phone? And on my browser?! Well, fine… He doesn’t deserve me anyway. I belong with a REAL go-getter.

6:30 PM:  I’m overworked, annoyed, and I smell like his day. But do I get to plug in and relax after a long day of working for him? Nope. He wants to be Jimmy Olsen and photograph random things around the city. I can understand him wanting to take advantage of my 5mp, 11 photo modes and 2x digital zoom (yeah, I’m that good), but I‘m dying here!

6:36 PM: Frozen…

8:00 PM: Hope he’s happy. I shut down completely. I came with a flurry of emails, BBM’s, text messages and voicemail notifications. His thirsty GF was worried cause he didn’t call her immediately after work and he wasn’t picking up when she called. She sent SMS‘s, emails and even left messages on his Facebook and Myspace accounts. I wasn’t even half full before he unplugged me and was on the phone whining about how stressful his day was. She keeps telling him to buy a blue tooth so he can leave me on the charger while talking to her.  I just hope he takes her advice… I get freaked out when he balances me on his shoulder, chatting away and washing dishes. Lord, I don’t want to end up in rice again. I’m still not 100% since that day. That day was ugly.

11 PM: My -1300 Mahr removable/chargeable lithium-ion- battery was burning up. I,was burning up. The last call of the night was his girlfriend, which lasted into the wee hours of the morning. “You fall asleep…” “No, not until you fall asleep.” Ughhhh, I swear I was cursed with my 5.8 hours of continuous talk time. So I guess since he won’t rest, I don‘t get to rest. That’s how it’s been, and sure that’s how it will always be.

8:30 AM (The next day): I slept on his face… Wake up in the red since he forgot to plug me in, again. And guess what? Since he forgot to change “AM” to “PM” on his alarm clock, he’s late for work. Here we go again.

Image courtesy of Research in Motion Limited.

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