PLANET ROCK: A diamond nation?

Could a new planet made up of diamonds be our added incentive for space travel?

Words: Darrion Beckles

Did you hear the news? Somewhere in the world, there’s a space race brewing between Hip-Hop Producers and Bond Villains. Kanye and the Kardashians were rewarded a glimpse of Heaven incarnate. And socialites with no prior interest in the stars, now know Cosmology and Astronomy isn’t the study of make-up and horoscopes, and knowing is half the battle Paris (Hilton).

I’m talking about a newly discovered planet, made of diamond. No, that wasn’t the wind. That was the unified gasp of gold diggers as they experienced a collective orgasm. Suddenly NASA scientists and astronauts just got hotter. Sorry athletes, nerds rule now in light of this new development. But I digress…

So what’s this about a diamond planet? Well, apparently astronomers have taken time off from writing daily horoscopes to discover what they believe is a planet made of diamond. It’s 4000 light years away (about an eighth of the distance away from the center of our galaxy), it consists largely of dense carbon aka crystallin, and it takes just two hours to orbit its neutron (or star, for you laymen). Okay, stuff like that may be boring to most of you, but it interests an uber-geek like me. It excites me to read the scientific skinny on discoveries like this.

But I wonder…. *plays the harp*… If this planet was available to populate today…. what would it be like?

First off, [Nicki] Minaj and [Lil] Kim would put aside their differences to write the global anthem (produced by Pharrell, of course). The planetary flag would be designed by Armani or Balenciaga. (Did I spell that right?) Global (Earth) IQ will skyrocket as rappers, trophy wives, athletes, many celebrities (who have already purchased timeshares) and all other rich materialists leave immediately on starships powered by their egos (I’m sure Kanye will power several ships on his own). The islands in Dubai would be converted into luxury launch sites, where iPad 3 owners can steer the ship.

How will they politic once they get there, you ask? Well, they can get a head start at the polls by either aligning themselves with the Jay-Once (Emperor Jay-z and Empress Beyonce) ticket, run by campaign manager Jacob the Jeweler, or go for the upstart “Green” party ticket of Snoop and Khalifa. Democracy is good!

Who needs religion? A giant statue of Elizabeth Taylor, the patron saint of shine, made entirely of the planet’s material will be built in homage to the love of bling and will be seen throughout space. And every day at noon, the law will require all residents to flash their iciest swag in her direction.

Jewelry is such a petty Earth thing. How about replacing body parts with diamonds! Diamond rings? NO, diamond knuckles and knees, my ninjas. Earrings? How about diamond earlobes? Or maybe the order of the day among the planet’s inhabitants… diamond hip replacements. Here comes Ghostface with diamond lungs.

Agricultural minister Rick “the Boss” Ross will propose that the ice caps should be made of ice (diamond) caps (grills) designed by Paul Wall, and oceans and lakes should flow with Rose and Moscato. No word on what they’d eat since all of the food disappeared under his watch.

Is that a ring around the planet, like the one around Saturn? No, it’s a velvet rope. VIP only, bitches. The atmosphere wont let you in if you’re not dressed right or you don’t have a big enough entourage.

How about a Latin name for the planet. Every good planet needs a Latin name to be official. “The Diamond Planet” sounds too much like something out of a bad Dr. Who episode. While Earth is known as Terra Firma, this planet shall be dubbed, Filiolus pinky orbis aka “God’s pinky ring”. Yeah, Don the Bishop (the planet’s spiritual leader) would appreciate that one.

And once the population has settled in their shiny new homes, Dr. Puff P. Diddy Combs PhD (playa hata’s degree) will begin research on their next discovery: a Platinum moon! Last but definitely not least, keep a close eye on (Lil) Wayne and proud papa Baby. They’re mining too deep into the planet’s core which threatens to destabilize the planet!

I could write a book on what I think this planet would/could be like. Traffic laws. Public holidays. The first diamond war. And how a planet like this could put an end to the atrocities in Africa. But enough about me and my odd imagination…what do you think it would be like?

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