Even if the rapture didn’t happen as Harold Camping erroneously predicted (twice), we are still living in the end of days, according to the Mayans, Hopis and early Egyptians.

Words: Darrion Beckles
Image: Pero

It will all be over soon. Maybe as soon as the year ends, or maybe sooner. Earthquakes. Tsunamis. Wars. Nuclear proliferation among superpowers and extremists. The Jersey Shore… yes, fellow earthlings, terrible things are-a-brewing. So I’m hard pressed to argue with the theory that the planet is indeed on an express train to oblivion of some variety. And let’s face it, the Mayans were right about everything else. So let’s play it out, scenario by scenario, just in case doomsday is December 21, 2012 or before (Read: this is your survival plan. No, seriously).

Scenario One: A Super Volcano Strikes, 12/21/2012

Four mornings before Christmas, and you had a full bottle of Absinthe and Patron with your old frat buddies at your fourth annual Christmas bender the night before. The concoction may have knocked you unconscious, but that wasn’t what gave you the giant knot on your forehead, a fractured arm and a shattered flat screen. The ground shifted hours ago, taking out the top floors of your two-story, two-family house. You check your watch. It’s 10 AM, but the sun isn’t shining through your tiny window. What you don’t know is that there’s a big bitch living below Yellowstone National Park. And her name is Caldera. She’s mean, gassy (as in Old Faithful aka Geothermal farts) and it’s been well over 640,000 years since she’s let a big one loose.

Using your iPhone you search Yahoo News for information, since everything else was destroyed. You read: “BREAKING NEWS: YELLOWSTONE”S CALDERA, THE SUPER VOLCANO HAS ERUPTED.”

Fortunately for you, you’re within 100 hundreds of miles of the volcano’s range, so the explosion and piping hot magma killed you almost instantly. Unfortunately for you, you’re not within hundreds of miles of the eruption, so the ash offers a slower more painful death though the skin and lungs. The white stuff outside your window is hot enough to incinerate Santa Claus. The Wyoming Super Volcano (Caldera) has launched 25,000x the amount of ash than that wimpy little Mt. St Helens volcano.

Is this it? Is this what’s set for the last day of the Mayan calendar? Maybe…

First things first: If you can avoid breathing without a mask, do so. The ash alone would flambé your lungs. Second, avoid going outside at all costs. If the ash hasn’t burned through your walls or ceiling you’re in a good place. Stay there as long as you can. Maybe armored rescue will come, and remember, your cell still works for now. Third, keep emergency electronics wrapped in plastic. You’ll need a battery-operated radio to listen for rescue instructions or one of those CB radios to call for rescue. Blankets and warm clothing—I cant stress this one enough. Ash clouds will block out the sun. Without the sun, they’ll be little to no heat and you can freeze to death. And my last, but best piece of advice to you: Don’t live anywhere near Yellowstone National Park or in Wyoming, Montana or Idaho.

Scenario Two: Epic Pandemic, 12/21/2012.

It’s 7 AM, two hours before your alarm was supposed to go off.  You hear rumbling through the streets, but it’s three hours before garbage pickup.  And this doesn’t sound like an ordinary truck. It’s too loud. And you think to yourself, “Garbage trucks don’t travel in sets and trigger every car alarm on the block…”

You turn on the news. “THE CONTAGION IS SPREADING.” The media isn’t sure whether this strain is airborne or transferred by touch (at least that’s what they’re telling you). The talking heads are telling you to remain calm. Right… you look out your window to see army tanks, helicopters, guys in puffy white suits and gas masks. There are gurneys, but no ambulances. And bodies of people you know are lined neatly in the streets before being taken away in giant Zip-lock bags. Just as you start to understand the gravity of the situation, you hear a voice blaring over a loudspeaker demanding that you remain inside. Seconds later, a Hazmat with an M-16 demands that you stay clear of the window, so you comply and head back to the television.

Religious leaders are saying the contagion is an act of God. Theorists believe it’s engineered, while scientists believe that it’s an evolution of an existing strain. But what of the Mayans, did they know? Was this what they predicted when they didn’t include a December 22nd on their calendar? With millions dead, millions more infected and reports of the contagion spreading on both sides of the world, humanity’s future looks bleak. Hope could rest with your survival. Stick around and you just may be one of the first to receive a vaccine.

First, stay in your house and out of heavily populated areas for two reasons: One, if the contagion travels by touch, then body fluids or simple touch could kill you, and the guys in the Hazmat suits will kill you and burn your body if you try to leave the quarantined area anyway. Two, keep clean. If you have to be around people, sanitize and sterilize EVERYTHING—clothing, utensils and your body. Load up and lather thoroughly with anti-bacterial soap and medical grade hand-sanitizer. Scrub anything that’s had contact with the outside world with bleach and ammonia (not mixed together unless you plan on taking the easy way out and killing yourself). Also, cover up. Cover everything from head to toe, especially your nose and mouth. If you can avoid touching anything beyond your window, and/or inhaling the outside air that would be great.  Finally, don’t let anyone in. Chances are they’re already dead, and by letting them in, you‘re guaranteeing your death as well.

Scenario Three: The Rapture (#KanyeShrug). Who knows when that is?  But for the sake of this story, it’s 12/21/2012.

You’re on vacation, visiting your parents for the holidays. You arrived to your childhood suburb on the 20th of December. It was a long drive home, and you wanted to be well rested for the big shopping day so you decided to take an early night. You left your mother, father and baby sister awake reading Christmas stories and singing carols. You slept ‘til the 21st.

There’s commotion outside, but considering your childhood friends from across the street are home from college, you figure they’ll party ‘til it’s time to head back. So you don’t even bother opening the blinds. The light in your sister’s room is on. You enter, but she’s not there. Her nightgown and undergarments are on the ground. You can hear the stereo that’s in the living room, but you also hear crackling, like something is burning. You rush to the kitchen to see water bubbling over the stove and a fire building in the oven. You extinguish both.

When the smoke clears, you see your mother’s apron and clothes on the ground. You rush to the living room—nobody. You rush to the garage. Your father’s clothes are on the ground, too. You open the garage door… Complete chaos. Crashed cars, houses set on fire, neighbors trading bullets with police, people calling out for their loved ones.

This, my friends, is a thorough description of the biblical Rapture, where the righteous are spirited away to heaven while the rest of us are left to suffer at the hands of the antichrist. In some accounts, hellish monsters, meteor strikes, disease, natural disasters, war, and pestilence are in store for the non-Christians and non-believers, and for seven years—straight.

You’re still here and your family was taken to heaven because you chose overtime money and MADDEN ’12 over Christ. Could this be what the Mayans foreshadowed in their unfinished calendar? All hope is lost, right?


Have a little faith. No really, have faith. Faith will be one of the more important survival tools during the tribulation trial. Faith in God, Jesus, yourself… repent! Giving your life to Christ after the rapture won’t help much, but it will put you in good standing when the seven year suffering is over. Also, read the bible. There has to be something useful in there:  instructions, codes or lessons that could get you by (There’s a chapter called Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth, right?). And finally, don’t accept the mark of the beast. From what I’ve read, a really powerful man or woman will try to blackmail, charm and scare, cajole or trick you into accepting “the mark.” I’m guessing that mark is some kind of barcode, or like the “666” brand in the Omen.

In short, don’t think for a second that these are the only three doom and gloom possibilities that exist. There are countless ways for life, as we know it, to come to a close at the tail end of the Mayan calendar, just like there are countless ways to survive, at least into the 22nd. Doomsday cults may not want you to survive, but I do—kinda. I’m not saying that you’ll survive. I’m saying my instructions will increase your chances of surviving.  Who am I? I’m not Will Smith or George Herbert Walker Bush, but I am a self-proclaimed survivalist. I’m a man who looks forward to seeing how they’ll portray the Mandarin in Iron Man 3, in theaters 2013. I’m a sci-fi writer, a futurist, an Armageddon junkie AND a paranoid geek with way too much time on his hands. So print these, keep ’em wrapped in plastic, within a copper/aluminum shell on a shelf in your underground bunker, and mark them “Part One,” because there’s more to come.

Image courtesty of Pero.

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